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First Attempt
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Author:  Miggnor23 [ Sun May 16, 2010 4:27 pm ]
Post subject:  First Attempt

This is my first attempt at a full blown story. This is just the prolouge. I hope you enjoy it!

PROLOGUE



It was a beautiful day in Portsmouth, Virginia. The blinding ball of fire we call, the sun, is bright. Not a cloud is in the air. It was great, except the fact that it's test week at all the schools in the country. I wasn't worried then. Writing this story, I look back and think of how stupid and confusing this day, and the months afterwards were. When you walk outside of your house, walking with your best, and only friend, about five blocks to school, you wouldn't think about what was about to happen to me.
My name is Seuli Athem. I am a freshman at Churchland High School. At fifteen, I have a fairly built body, not too muscular, but not too skinny. My short brown hair was combed down, my eyes had two colors. One of them was blue, the other was golden. My hand was glowing. That was because of the brand of a dragon with eagle wings. It glows brighter as danger gets closer.
That friend I mentioned was a girl named Jessica, or Jess, Caliburn. She had fair black hair that ran down to her shoulders, amber eyes that showed kindness wherever she goes, and was about five-foot-ten, about a head shorter than me. Today, she was wearing her favorite shirt, tie-dye with a peace symbol in the middle where the swirling rainbow of colors met. She had dark blue jean shorts and tennis shoes that were once white, but now they are multi-colored. I gave her those shoes for her fourteenth birthday, and a day hasn’t passed that I haven’t seen her wear them at least once.
There are a few reasons why Jess was my only friend. The eyes and brand are two of the reasons. I can somehow protect myself without lifting a hand. My running and attacking speed are faster than the best fighter in school. My pain tolerance is also extraordinarily high. Obviously, people don’t like that kind of thing.
So, I was walking with Jess when five figures appeared on the other side of the street. The figures moved closer at a fast pace. The brand on my hand shined brighter and brighter as they got closer and closer.
“Seuli!” one of them yelled out.
“Hey, how do you know my name?” I yelled back.
“This is the day! The day that you leave this town!”
“Why do you want him to leave?” Jess asked in a normal tone, since the figures got close enough for us to hear each other. They were all wearing black ski masks.
“Oh? You want to join him girl?” he asked her while moving his face right in front of hers.
“If he has to go, I will to!”
“Why are you even bothering us anyway? What did we ever do to you?” I asked shoving his face out of hers.
“You dare shove me?!”
“No... just your face.” I said.
“Oh. You’re a smart mouth aren't you?”
“Yerp. Have a problem wit it?” I said with a smile on my face.
He punched me in the stomach. I didn’t flinch. Next thing I knew, the rest of the masked figures started to attack with knifes.
“Damn! Move!” I pushed Jess out of the way.
I blocked one lunge, and dodged another. I grabbed one of the men's arms, and punched him in the stomach. They were shocked that I fought back, which gave me a chance to grab Jess's arm and run. They regained their composure, and followed us.
“You know this area up and down right?” I asked Jess.
“Yes.” Jess said in an unsure tone.
“You know that doesn't help our cause here!”
There was silence for a few seconds, then, “Turn right here.”
I did, and it was just another street, but I wasn't complaining.
“Now... turn left. Then right. Then keep going straight.”
I looked behind me at her. She had tears flowing freely down her face. Her amber eyes looked at me in fear and sadness. I then looked at the street behind us. The assaulters were nowhere to be found. I turned into an alley.
“Jess... look at me.” I said softly.
She looked up into my eyes. The brand that was dim started to slowly get brighter.
“I will distract them, since I'm who they want. You run away, fast. I don't want you to get hurt.”
She stared into my eyes. She griped onto me and wouldn't let go.
“Please don't do this!” she pleaded.
“There you are!” a voice behind me yelled.
The brand shone as bright as it could, and the next thing I heard was, “Seuli! Don't leave me!”

Please give any crituque you can. The next chapter will come soon. :D

Author:  Grizzlykiller [ Sun May 16, 2010 4:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

I have a million storys in my head but not the time to write them down i had a idea for a movie once
I called it The Future Killer
Basically it was about WWIII and the enemy was Not to offend anyone the enemy was America
They discovered a powerful artifact called the Toshnika it was capable of bending time and space all the world wanted a piece and america said no and hid it im a secret underground base in texas, Ohio
everyone was outraged they planed a attack on washington D.C But Great Britain can a better idea they sent out a assasin Tony Summers A ex S.AS soldier The Best One He was equipted with the best Equptment and was sent to California he then found he HORRIBLE truth that the artifact was not bending time it WAS time, it was time in its physical form anyone who went near the toshnika was sent millions of years back in time Then the most Horrible Tony summers started seeing Heiroglyphs and the toshnika was communicating to him through them tony summers had been infected with time he was tied into a Point in time and space he couldnt die and the heiroglyphs made him invunrable to either mental or physical damage he then found out that people also possesed these heiroglyphs and if he touched people by these heiroglyphs they would cease to have existed at all tony summers was invunrable o either time attacks aswell meaning he cant die in the past the worst has yet to come though!

Author:  SX [ Sun May 16, 2010 6:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

I like Miggnor's story, it describes the character, location and events really well. Some minor grammar errors here and there, and it would be helpful in the near future if you spaced it out between sentences. But all in all, it's very, VERY good. :handgestures-thumbupright:

Author:  Black Eagle [ Mon May 17, 2010 1:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Thats pertty damn good man!...
:handgestures-thumbupright:
I like where it's going, only a little more background story might be better at first, unless you're going to quiet it down later.... ;)

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Wed May 19, 2010 6:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Thank you guys for the praise! :D Once I get home (I'm at school right now) I will check the 1st chapter and will post it when I am done. Thanks again!

Author:  Strelet12 [ Wed May 19, 2010 8:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Well, its quite a nice story. But its a very typical one; A strong guy with high pain tolerance but looks like a normal guy (although in this one he doesn't, because of his eyes and glowing hand/arm) with a really beautiful girl, who in the future will be his girlfriend/spouse.

Author:  Black Eagle [ Wed May 19, 2010 12:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

A typical story doesn't make it a bad one, it's typical because its popular, popular well liked concepts=good avenues, it's harder to make ground breaking changes, until then one must stick with popular trends, otherwise people will scorn you for coming up with ludicrous concepts that don't yet understand... ???

Just look what happen when it was first discovered that the sun did not revolve around earth, but the other way around, humans are creatures of habit, and one must slowly ease in your ground breaking concepts, however that is another matter.. :-\

I say keep it up, people like that sort of story, so stick with it and it'll be very popular.... ;)

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Wed May 19, 2010 1:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

I agree with Black Eagle. It's very hard to make 'original' ideas in anything from stories to games. Nomatter what you use, it's more than likely someone else's idea. Besides, it's not about the 'original' things in a story that make it great, it's the way that the author brought it out to the readers. I'm sticking with it all the way, and if I don't get people's praise, it doesn't matter. I still tried my best.

Author:  ShadowBlade [ Wed May 19, 2010 2:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Thats the spirit ;)

Good story btw. A few grammar issues, but the story is good :handgestures-thumbupright:

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Wed May 19, 2010 4:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Here is the first chapter. Enjoy!

CHAPTER 1
WHERE AM I?

I came to my senses, and wondered, What the hell happened?
I tried to get up, but felt something on my chest. When it felt my rising, it jumped off, and looked at me. I got up, and I got more detail of what it was. It was a baby dragon, except it had eagle wings. The small scales were a dark red, and the smaller spikes, running down its spine all the way to its tail, was a light red. The wings were about a foot long, and blue. It looked at me with light blue eyes in a playful way. I looked at my surroundings. I was on the side of a dirt road leading to a gate. The gate had two guards posted. I looked above the wall, and saw a castle.
On the other side of me was a forest. I walked up to the trees, and I saw my reflection in the leaves. I could tell that it has rained recently, because water was captured in the valley of the raised edges of the leaf. I poked it, and no water fell from the green leaf. I then looked at the back my hand, the brand wasn't there anymore.
Well, I no longer know the back of my hand, I thought.
I was about to walk to the city gates, when ten small green creatures jumped out of the forest. They were as tall as a four to five year olds, and in their hands were small daggers and maces. Their long ears twitched a little bit as they walked slowly towards me. Their noses looked like daggers ready to stab.
I wasn’t that much of a ‘gamer,’ even when I was younger. I understood the excitement of games; I wanted to play them for hours on end. I was better than that though. I’m not trying to say that it’s very bad to play these games for hours on end, but I didn’t.
I could remember the fun times I had playing games with Jess. We played everything from Mario to Halo. Some games she won all the time, some games I did. Even though we know the other would win, we still tried our best. After the fierceness, we would always go outside and do something.
Even though I didn’t play games that much, I still knew what these little creatures they resembled. Having that knowledge scared me a little bit. I knew what these creatures are capable of.
"Dangit, Goblins!"
They paused for a moment, and then charged. I went to the one closest, grabbed it’s wrist so it dropped its dagger, picked up said dagger, and then killed it. A third was about to stab me, but I grabbed the freshly killed creature, and held it up. The dagger hit flesh, but not mine, and I quickly stabbed him in the chest. Three more charged at me, but I quickly dispatched them. When I did, so did the dragon. I could see the fresh blood on its scales, teeth, and claws. It obviously knew how to fight. The fight was over; the dragon got the last kill.
I heard footsteps walking by. I looked, and saw six warriors on the road looking at me with amazement. One of them walked to me. She was a blonde, with shoulder line hair. She had a Jade-Hook, a dual-bladed weapon in the shape of a crescent moon, on her back. She had traditional chainmail, metal links twisted together to make a suit of armor. It was meant to provide mild protection in the field of battle. Her greaves and gloves were plate, reinforced metal meant to provide greater protection than chainmail.
"What is your name? Brown haired warrior." she said in a kind voice. I didn't know what to say, I could lie, but I couldn't bring myself to, so I said, "Seuli Athem, and I'm no warrior."
"Hi, Seuli. I'm Phaena. These are Hisrin," she pointed at a blue haired woman wearing leather, armor usually made out of animal hide, with a bow strapped to her back and a dagger at her waist, "Saeda," she then pointed to the man next to Hisrin, wearing chainmail as well, with twin longswords attached to his waist, "Ada," the man next to Saeda had a book chained to his clothing, "Rilo," the woman with a small hammer at the side of her white robes that run down to her feet, "And Euthie," the man at the far right, wearing leather, with a rapier, a thin blade usually used to get in between holes in armor, on his side.
"Do you mind coming with us?" She finished.
"Not at all," I replied.
We started walking towards the castle. The streets of the city were so busy, that it was hard for me to get through. The others were able to deftly get through the throng. On the way, we talked about ourselves. Phaena was a woman that had nowhere to call home. She wandered around the world until she meet the others, in which she traveled with them. Hisrin was from Hymia, a nation on the twin continent of Hysmaria. She moved out of there to satisfy her lust for adventure. Saeda was a warrior from Hia, another nation in Hysmaria. He, like Phaena, traveled the world until finding the group. Ada is from Lian, the southern nation of Kysalia, the continent I landed on. He is the world’s smartest person, which is why he's a mage. Rilo is from the nation of Kys, the northern nation of Kysalia. She is the founder of the group, a priest that heals and curses. Euthie is a former thief from Kalia, the eastern region of Kysalia. He got caught, and instead of being executed, he was forced to join the others. I also introduced the eagle winged creature that seems to never leave my side. We were thinking of a name for it while talking.
About halfway to the castle, Ada thought of a name, "How about Ryasurra?"
The dragon answered to the name, like it’s been its name for years. It ran circles around us.
"He seems to like it," I noted. "Yes, that seems to work."
As we continued walking, I found out many things about them, and the world that I'm in. Hisrin is a determined one, she'll never stop until she gets the job done, or dies. Saeda is like me, he never hurts another, unless it was a live-or-death situation. Phaena was a wandering warrior, until she met everyone. Ada is cocky because of his smartness. Rilo is a heavy christian, and Euthie is a silent person. He almost never talks, unless it's important.
After half-an-hour, we made it to the castle. Up close, I can tell it'll be easy to get lost. It was six floors tall, and eight houses could fit the first floor. We got inside, and I was amazed. It had beautiful paintings on the walls. Lanterns lit up the halls, and rooms. The floor had a purple rug that had golden swirls running all around on it. We walked straight until we got to a wooden double door, that had figures greatly carved into it. The doors opened, and the throne room, was just like the hallway, except wider, and it had columns spaced out on the sides of the room, and, of course, the chair at the end of the room with a middle aged man sitting bored on it.
He had elegant clothing. He wore a purple robe, the color of royalty. The robe had golden markings stitched all around it. The sandals he had were leather and not worn at all.
When the man heard the door close behind us, he looked up, saw us, and put a smile on his face. We got up close, and everyone bowed, except for me, because, well, I was a little scared out of my wits. He gave me a forgiving look, and I relaxed a bit.
"Rise, and tell me what you've found." he said
"There have been sightings of an army trying to cross the Aillyria Sea." Saeda said in a grave tone.
"I see, and who is this? I've never seen him before."
Phaena urged me on, and I said a little shakily, "My n-name is S-Seuli Athem."
The man, obviously the king laughed, and said, "Don't act so afraid, I won't bite."
I relaxed a little bit more, but was still frightened.
"Tell me, how'd you get here?"
I told him all I remembered, starting with me walking to school with Jess, and ending in the flash of light.
"... and the next thing I know, I'm on the ground outside the city, with Ryasurra here," I looked at Ryasurra, "on my chest."
"Ok, Ada, could you come here for a minute?"
Ada went to the king, and they started whispering to each other. Once they finished, Ada walked back to us.
"Seuli?" the king called to me.
"Yes, sir?"
"If you’re not tired, I would like you, to go to the battlements, and meet a woman there named, Aedai. Tell her I sent you, Phaena will go with you."
"Ok, sir, I'll do that," I responded.
I started walking to the exit, when I heard, "And Seuli, welcome to Asriria."

Author:  SX [ Wed May 19, 2010 8:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Hmm... interesting, interesting.

Author:  Black Eagle [ Fri May 21, 2010 3:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

It's certainly interesting, but i think it has some weak points, just some constructive critisism.. :D

1: Perhaps you describe things in too much detail, like what the difference is between their armor, and the exact color and shape of their cloths, for example, you could say he wore royal colors and leave the rest up to the reader's imagination.. :-\

2: It seems the story doesn't make much sense with what happen before, it's good to have the unknown, but it seems you jump into it too fast, and you are too easily excepted into this new world... :?

3: Your battle with the goblins seems a little empty, i'd think he would try and avoid them, rather than taking them on head-on, and with little detail and difficulty was able to kill them?, seems a little too false there... :-\

Beyond that, it seems good, but you might want to clear up the points about what brought you where you are, and what world you're in, it seems a little too excepting of you, and too easy for you.... ;)

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Sat May 22, 2010 5:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Black Eagle, I have taken the points into consideration, and have recreated Chapter 1, and maybe even a few chapters after it. Hopefully this one is better, and will cover all of the points you have suggested.

CHAPTER 1
WHERE AM I?

I came to my senses, and wondered, What the hell happened?

I tried to get up, but felt something on my chest. When it felt my rising, it jumped off, and looked at me. I got up, and I got more detail of what it was. It was a baby dragon, except it had eagle wings. The small scales were a dark red, and the smaller spikes, running down its spine all the way to its tail, was a light red. The wings were about a foot long, and blue. It looked at me with light blue eyes in a playful way. I looked at my surroundings. I was on the side of a dirt road leading to a gate. The gate had two guards posted. I looked above the wall, and saw a castle.

On the other side of me was a forest. I walked up to the trees, and I saw my reflection in the leaves. I could tell that it has rained recently, because water was captured in the valley of the raised edges of the leaf. I poked it, and no water fell from the green leaf. I then looked at the back my hand, the brand wasn't there anymore.

Well, I no longer know the back of my hand, I thought.

I decided to calm my very jumpy nerves and think about what happened. I walked towards the trees and sat down.

Let’s see now, I started the playback of memories, I was with Jess, then the masked figures came up to us. We managed to run away from them, and I tried to get Jess away from me. She clung on to me and then a flash of light. I then woke up here. I wonder if Jess is okay. I don’t know how she would take in what maybe a new landscape without me. She’s been emotionally off-balance since that day.

I pulled out a necklace. It was a silver cross with the figure of Jesus on it when he got crucified. Jess gave this to me on my twelfth birthday. That’s the day when everything started falling apart for her. I laid my head back against the tree and the flashback came.

A young pre-teen girl was talking with her friends in a crowded school cafeteria. She seemed distant. The pre-teen birthday boy kept looking up at the group of friends, wishing he had that chance. His only friend was the girl. He looked around the lunchroom, and saw that everyone had their friends as well. The thing was that they all kept their distance from the boy. No-one wanted to be by him. He sadly looked at the book and continued reading.

After a couple of pages, he felt someone sit next to him. Before he looked up, he knew who it was.

“Hey, close your eyes. I want to give you something.” The girl said.

He complied, and after a couple of seconds, he felt something going around his neck.

“You can open them now.”

He did, and he looked down at what had fallen on his chest. It was a necklace that had a cross on it. The figure on the cross leaned forward in a painful manner.

“Do you like it?” the girl asked.

“Yes, it is wonderful! Thank you!” he said before giving her a hug.

Then, I continued thinking; All hell broke loose for her.

The birthday boy was walking home after the hard, but happy day of school after she gave him the necklace. He was lost in his thoughts. I wonder what her friends wanted to talk to her about, he thought to himself. He was just entering his neighborhood right across from the middle school, when he heard a frantic, “Seuli!”

He turned, and was immediately in the middle of a bear hug from the girl.

“What is it, Jess?”

She looked up at him, and he saw tears running out of her amber eyes and down her beautiful face that had a smile on it earlier that day. A second later, he saw a bruise starting to form on her right cheek. She had her backpack with her, but it was beaten and battered when that morning it was in perfect condition. Her flowery dress had some rips at the bottom, and one of her shoes were missing.

“What happened to you?” the boy, Seuli, asked worriedly.

“They… they…” she was having a hard time bringing the words out of her mouth from her constant having the need to inhale from all the crying.

He gave her the kindest hug ever and said in a calming tone, “It’s okay. Calm down, I’m here now.”

She started taking deep breaths and started to calm her crying.

“They, they hit me, and said, ‘Either you stop hanging out with him, or you stop hanging out with us. It’s your choice.’”

“And what happened then?”

“I tried to get away, and succeeded after they tore my backpack and dress. Their last attempt was to grab my foot, but I was able to get out of their grasp, but my shoe was taken.”

“Come on. Let’s get you home and treated.” Seuli said.

With his arm around Jess, Seuli walked her home. Looking back at the school, he could see the figures of the ex-friends of Jess looking back at him.

Ever since then, I recalled, I was the only person she trusted outside of the adults of her life.

I decided that he needed help in more than one aspect of this situation I was in. I walked towards the city gates and was about halfway, when ten small green creatures jumped out of the forest. They were as tall as a four to five year olds, and in their hands were small daggers and maces. Their long ears twitched a little bit as they walked slowly towards me. Their noses looked like daggers ready to stab.

I wasn’t that much of a ‘gamer,’ even when I was younger. I understood the excitement of games; I wanted to play them for hours on end. I was better than that though. I’m not trying to say that it’s very bad to play these games for hours on end, but I didn’t.

I could remember the fun times I had playing games with Jess. We played everything from Mario to Halo. Some games she won all the time, some games I did. Even though we know the other would win, we still tried our best. After the fierceness, we would always go outside and do something.

Even though I didn’t play games that much, I still knew what these little creatures they resembled. Having that knowledge scared me a little bit. I knew what these creatures are capable of.

"Dangit, Goblins!"

They stopped for a second, and then charged right at me and the dragon, which was with me the whole time. I tried to run for the gates, but they were starting to shut. I wondered why, but then realized the reason when it was slowly becoming dark.

Damnit, I felt better saying the curse in my head; I won’t make it in time! And the goblins are getting closer by the second! That only leaves the forest.

I turned back towards the creatures and thought of a plan as they closed the distance every second. I decided to use the wide field to my advantage. With the dragon close to my heel, I ran around the green goblins in a wide semi-circle, never taking my eyes off of the mass of enemies. They turned and continued running, desperately trying to reach me. I made it to the forest, and ran inside. Running around trees, I widened the gap in between us.

I dodged left and right. The trees would’ve been helpful, but the blanket of night fell quickly, and the reflections didn’t show any help except for blackness. I could hear the little pounding of feet behind me, the owners ready to kill me.

I nearly jumped out of my shoes when I felt something fly by my shoulder. I didn’t need the sound of something hitting a tree to know that it was a dagger that was thrown.

Damn! This isn’t good!

I didn’t stop my track, but I knew what I had to do. I risked a look back for a quick second, but was met by another dagger almost taking my life.

So, I have to completely wing-it. This is going to be awesome.

I continued to run, having no idea where I was going. I looked at the trees again, and decided to use the reflections to my advantage. I planted my feet for a split second, changing the direction they faced and then, I jumped to the right. After I landed, I ran and then climbed the tree by running up the tree for a couple of steps, and then leaping upward, I grabbed the branch. I lifted myself up, and then grabbed the other branches until I was certain they wouldn’t find me.

I looked downward, and realized, The dragon! I totally forgot about it!

I felt a feather fall onto my shoulder, and saw the dragon on the branch above me.

Thank goodness.

I stayed still, barely breathing, waiting for the goblins that I saw right under the tree. They eventually walked away, pissed off about losing me. I waited until I heard nothing, then carefully dropped to ground level. I made sure that the dragon was by me, then ran away from the path of the goblins.

I eventually stopped, and rested. I was always on the alert while sitting against one of the many trees. I looked at the dragon that sat next to me. I thought of where it may have come from. It looked like the mark that used to be on my hand. It was the same, all the way from the wings to the tail.

I wondered, Is this dragon the reason why I got transported here? I could believe that. Did Jess get here too? Oh, Jessica… please be alright. I don’t know if you could survive in this new area alone. And I don’t know what I would do if you were gone.

Without any warning, the forest started exploding with noise.

I also tried to cover some more background for Seuli and Jess. I plan on revealing more and more of it as the story continues on.

Author:  SX [ Sat May 22, 2010 6:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

It looks better and easier to read. Bravo!

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Sat May 22, 2010 6:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

I don't know why it didn't do the spacing, and I don't know how I fixed it... but I'm glad I did! ;D

Author:  Black Eagle [ Sun May 23, 2010 7:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Ah!, now thats alot better!, much more compelling and believable... :handgestures-thumbupright:

Real nice story you got going there, it's starting to make sense with what brought you to your surroundings... :D

Keep it up!.. ;)

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Sun May 23, 2010 4:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

CHAPTER 2
THE NEXT PLAN IS… TO SURVIVE
“What the hell is going on here?” I muttered to myself.

I sensed something was about to hit me, so I immediately got up and moved. Right when I jumped to the side, a huge lion like creature slammed into the tree.

“What the hell is that thing!?”

It recovered quickly, and started charging at me.

“Damnit!”

I started running at a random direction. My muscles started to strain and ache, but if I stop now I will be lion food. I noticed the dragon wasn’t right next to me like it usually was.

“The one time it isn’t next to me! I am going to do something to that thing the next time I get!” I yelled.

I found a dirt path, and got on it.

I figured, If I am on the dirt path, then there is a big chance someone will see me. Wait a minute… it’s night time, dangit! That won’t help me at all!

I could feel the breath of the lion right behind me. It was smelly! I have never smelt anything this bad in my life. Well, besides that day that I fell into those dogs’... never mind. I won’t tell you that story. Anyway, back to my situation.

I continued running through the forest, wondering how the heck I would get out of this seemingly never ending series of chases. The lion started screaming in pain. I turned around and saw that the dragon landed on top of the lion’s back, and if the lion is in pain, I guessed that the dragon’s claws were extended.

“There we go!” I yelled.

The lion only stopped its charge for a few seconds. In that time, it threw the dragon off its back. It then decided to continue the chase. I ran, knowing that soon I will most likely die. I noticed something shinning on the ground.

I grabbed it without stopping my running. It was one of the daggers that the goblins threw at me. It must have been the second throw, because the first one hit a tree.

I turned around and saw the lion’s face ready to eat mine whole. I tried to think of plans to kill the lion. I knew I couldn’t run anymore. My legs were sore, and the lion was faster in all senses of the word. The only way I knew to win is to get above it, and like the dragon did, hit it on its back, or its head. Whichever came first, I must do it now!

I did the same move I did to get away from the goblins, except that instead of jumping straight up the tree, I jumped backwards off of it. I couldn’t look behind me, so I had to make a guess on where the lion was at the time. I managed to guess correctly, and I landed on the lions back.

Sensing the danger the lion was in, it immediately started to throw itself around to get me off of it. The constant moving made it hard to get a good hit on the beast. My arm was flailing everywhere, I tried to move it closer to the head, but it would then be thrown into a different direction completely.

I realized something, With the constant flailing, I will be able to quicken my stab when the beast falls back down. This will be difficult though. I need to time this perfectly.

The lion thrust itself upward. I let my hand fly upward, and then when it fell back, I sent the dagger downward and into the lions head. It screamed out in pain and fell down to its death.

I jumped off of its back and wondered, Where is the dragon?

I heard the tell-tale of the dragon’s footsteps behind me.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

It looked at me, and walked towards the tree. It sat down, and started to sleep.

That’s a good idea and all, but at least one of us as to stay awake, I thought, I guess I’ll be the one to do that, besides, I need to think some more anyway.

I sat down next to it and started thinking again.

Who were those five figures that approached us that day? What did they want to accomplish by sending me away? I mean, I could understand if they just wanted to frighten me, but they wanted me gone for good! The guy’s voice did sound familiar. I wonder who he… was.

I fell asleep without any warning. I would not like that dream that came.


This is more for showing that Seuli is able to survive without problem than with being a long and showy fight. There will be those kind of fights in time, once everyone meets up of course. :handgestures-thumbupright:

Author:  Black Eagle [ Mon May 24, 2010 4:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Good stuff!, a strong and believable fight.... ;)

And some more questions raised as to why things happend the way they did, i like it!.. :D

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Thu May 27, 2010 7:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

CHAPTER 3
DREAMS… THE GATEWAY TO PAIN OR PLEASURE
“Seuli! Where are you?” a girl’s voice called out into the night.

The girl ran and ran from a group of people chasing her.

“Come to us! We won’t hurt you.” They all taunted.

“The hell you won’t!” the girl yelled back.

They entered a forest. The trees didn’t reflect the moonlight, and they weren’t as spacious as the forest Seuli sleeps in. The girl’s muscles were sore and weak. She was been running for an hour non-stop. She couldn’t let the men get her. She couldn’t even imagine what they would do to her if they got her.

“I can’t run much longer!” she muttered to herself.

She suddenly felt herself falling to the dirt. She hit the ground head-first and was stunned for a few seconds. That was enough for the group to reach her and grab her.

“Seuli… Please… Save me.” She said before breaking down into tears.

“Aw, the little girl is crying! Let’s cheer her up!” the men started laughing.

“Hey, knuckleheads!”

Everyone looked towards where the voice came from.

“Seuli?” the girl muttered.

“Drop the girl, now!” the voice continued.

“Never!” one of the men shouted.

All of them except for the one holding the girl drew their weapons and charged at the voice’s owner.

“Humph! This will be good.” The male said drawing a huge hammer.

The hammer should’ve been used with two hands, but the man used only one hand. The group was almost at the would-be-savior. The man just swung his hammer horizontally and hit every single kidnapper. They all fell helplessly, having no chance at surviving the blow to each of them.

The man holding the girl started running away, but another figure dropped from the trees, and without warning, killed him with a sword. The girl fell to the ground, too weak to get up. The two saviors came up to her, and picked her up.

“Are you alright?” one of them asked.

The girl couldn’t talk from weakness and shock.

“I think we have our answer.” The other said.

“Just in case.”

He brought out a rag and put something onto it. Once on, he placed it on the girls face. The girl tried to struggle, but it was to no use. She went out of consciousness, and the two figures walked away with her on one of their shoulders.

On a hill not too far away, six figures witnessed everything that just happened.

“Is she one of the ones that just appeared?” One of the ones in the back asked.

“Yes. The other one is in the Aesur Forest. He will most likely walk into the city once the sun rises. We will meet him there and tell him what he has to do.” The front one answered.

“How will we know who he is? That city is the busiest in the world! He could be anywhere in there.” One of them in the middle asked.

“He will be dressed a lot like the girl. It will be foreign to everyone. We just ask around and they will tell us if they have seen him. Besides, he’s probably going to go to the castle to meet the king anyway. We could just meet him there.” The one on the left said.

“Okay, we know what we are going to do, so let’s go!”

I woke up suddenly. I felt something fall down my face, and when I went with my hand to rub my face, I saw that it was sweat. Rubbing the remainder away, and knowing that it would come back, I got up and looked at the sky. I could see narrow rays of sunshine falling through the leaves of the reflection trees.

“Well, let’s go.” I looked at the dragon.

It got up and started walking towards the city. I followed it and eventually found myself in the field that I first woke up in. I could hear the unmistakable sound of trees rustling behind me. I pretended not to hear them and hoped that the dragon would do the same.

“Well, are you Seuli?” a familiar voice said behind me.

I turned and saw a woman standing behind me. She had a moon-shaped blade on her back. She had blonde, shoulder-line hair that was pulled back into a ponytail. She was covered in chainmail, that had a few parts covered by plate armor.

“I may be. May I ask who is asking for my name?” I responded.

“I am Phaena. I have information you will want involving a girl that you may know.”

They know about Jess? Was the first thing that came to my mind.

“What do you know about her?” I asked.

“I will tell you, but first, we need to get to a safe area.”

“Where exa-“ I was interrupted by a finger of silence from Phaena.

“We are being watched.”

I was suddenly on high alert because of those four words. I knew that those four words could be the thing between life and death.

“Where?” I whispered.

“The trees.” She whispered back.

“Extra weapon?”

“Sword.”

“That works.”

She handed me a simple hand sword. It wasn’t the best thing for me, but it would do for now. I just wondered, How the hell will I survive?

Just as I finished my thought, the trees exploded with noise and figures jumped down.

“Can you fight?” Phaena asked.

“Uh. I may.”

“You know that that answer doesn’t help my cause here.”

“You mean our cause.” I said emphasizing the word ‘our.’

“Well, let’s do this!”

Author:  Black Eagle [ Fri May 28, 2010 3:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Cool, much better flow, i like it!.. :handgestures-thumbupright:

You might want to avoid making your entire manuscript public before it's published, after all, if it's a good story people may grab the oppertunity to milk it, thats your right only... ;D

There are eyes and ears everywhere, he he... :shifty:

Author:  Herr General [ Fri May 28, 2010 4:29 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Black Eagle wrote:
There are eyes and ears everywhere, he he... :shifty:


Big Brother is watching you. :?

Author:  SX [ Fri May 28, 2010 7:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Getting good!

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Fri May 28, 2010 12:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Black Eagle wrote:
Cool, much better flow, i like it!.. :handgestures-thumbupright:

You might want to avoid making your entire manuscript public before it's published, after all, if it's a good story people may grab the oppertunity to milk it, thats your right only... ;D

There are eyes and ears everywhere, he he... :shifty:


Ya, I was only putting up these so that I can get a good idea of how it is going. This one was going to be the last one until I finished. ;D

Author:  Black Eagle [ Tue Jun 01, 2010 2:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Awesome!, good luck man, one can never have enough of it... :D

Author:  Miggnor23 [ Wed Jun 09, 2010 5:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First Attempt

Hello everyone! I just wanted to give you an update if anyone was wondering how this thing is going. I have finished two chapters so far but because of final exams (yay! :( ) I am at a sort of standstill. Hopefully I will be able to continue soon. Thank you for any patience you may have. ;P

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